Diagnostic limbo

How are you meant to spend the last days before the news I await this week?

Do I have cancer or do I not?

You can’t just wait.  Waiting gnaws at your soul.  It feasts on your thoughts.  It pecks away at your reserves.

Yesterday, Saturday, was one of my bad days.  I was sick to my stomach.  I slept a good deal of the afternoon.  I am doing my best to eat well.  To eat at all.  Sometimes I am ok, other times I start and cannot finish.  Many of you know I have lost weight.  I’m as low as I can go.  Eating as much and as well as I can is a big focus each day.

It wasn’t without its little pleasures.  Alannah ate teriyaki salmon sushi for lunch.  Seaweed and all.  She is now toddling like the zombies in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.  Hand movements and all.  Pure delight.

She amazes me.  Every day.

Today, Sunday, was one of my good days.  This morning, we headed on a mini road trip down south to Bonnet Bay.  This afternoon, we took our picnic rug and ball down to Rushcutters Bay to enjoy the afternoon sun.  Tonight I skyped with Ben from BenBBrave, probably for hours.  I lost track.

I feel calm.

I have my good nights and my bad nights too.  Tonight, the guerilla thoughts that sometimes hold me captive will not catch me unarmed.  I have my iPod loaded up with meditations and I’m prepared to hit repeat if I have to.

Now to sleep, perchance to dream.



  1. I wonder what it is that happens around that 28,29,30 age that makes tumours suddenly grow!
    I see Ben is around that age too.
    And Vince was 29 when his brain decided to grow a brain of its own.
    And you’ve all got rare ones.
    (VInce had Cerebral lymphoma/Primary lymphoma of the central nervous system
    and it was in his spine, femur, ribs and a lot of his other bones – and he’s still here!!).

    I hope you can keep trying to eat.
    I always say Vince was the fattest cancer patient in the hospital.
    He was one of those rare types where chemo didn’t make him sick.
    I reckon going into a stem cell transplant not depleted by months of being sick made his recovery easier than it could have been.
    You know what he used to eat?
    Have you seen those teeny tiny pasta stars?
    He had those in a broth.
    You don’t have to chew them – they just slip down and being pasta they have lots of calories.

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