I haven’t sorted out the particular issue that troubles me.  That is going to take a while and is not entirely in my hands.

I don’t want to go into a lot of detail.  You may have noticed that I’ve chosen not to write about two things on this blog: costs and work.  I just don’t think those issues belong here.  And not because I have anything negative to say either: we would make the same decision again about going private for my care despite the enormous cost and the people I’ve dealt with at my work couldn’t have been more supportive (indeed, some are sweet enough to follow this blog).  It just doesn’t feel right to me.

The issue on Tuesday was not what happened, but what the particular issue represented.  Let’s see if I can explain it.

For the most part, I have accepted that this is my mountain and I’ve set about climbing it.  Many have faced worse.  Far worse.  I have met some (virtually and personally) through this experience and heard of others.  I’ll be thinking of Kimberly tomorrow when her little girl, only eight years old, goes for her biopsy to determine what sort of tumour that has eaten away her left mandible.  Kimberly left a comment on the timeline page here and is now in the warm embrace of the crew on the Ameloblastoma facebook group.

That’s not to say this has been an entirely negative experience.  Not at all.  I must write about the silver lining, the bright side (pick your cliche) at some point.

But what I hadn’t accepted – or even properly realised until now – is that I’m in a position where I need to choose security over challenge.  Have you ever had to do one of those surveys where you are asked what you value more?  I am wired to want challenge over security.  That’s why it’s deeply confronting to find myself in a position where I am simply grateful for security.  I need to get back on my feet and I can’t do it by myself.

Funny what throws you, isn’t it?

I have spent the past hour working on something I can control.  A wii fit program.  And Darren and Alannah have just walked through the door.  I’ll post on that later, in a few hours.  Let’s just say I feel invigorated.



  1. It IS funny what throws you, because that’s the important learning you’re supposed to glean. You’ve learned, you’ve gleaned. And there’s always plenty more of that around the corner.

    Choosing security is not being weak. It’s being smart and surviving. You have enough to challenge you as it is on a daily basis. There’s a lot to be said for letting go.

    Thinking of you x

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